Stable, stability, stuck, unsure...

I was an urban explorer. I've spent a decade of my life transient from one point to another, seeking something that to me was not just unformed or unnamed but totally with out conscience.  What was this elusive lure that brought me from state to state and city to city.  This siren; that called me to Boston and New Orleans, to Anchorage and Seattle, this thing that drug me from Albuquerque to Denver and then Tucson.  What force called me endlessly to the reaches of American borders?......Love, Forgiveness, Need, Desire,  Were all names by which I have come to know the endless pace of the last ten years.  But love for whom, Forgiveness from what, Need of what, Desire for who,what?  

     This last stint of travel I've undergone started 7 months ago. A trip that crash landed me in the heart of downtown Seattle, at a hostel.  Working by day and witlessly searching the bleak world of Seattle night life in the stingy light of gay bars and taverns, well known pubs and pick up spots.  Letting any glimmer of affection pry its way into the dehydrated spaces of my clay cracked heart. My dream of finding love was gossamer at best, translucent at its worst.  Seattle was my own privet Beelzebub with a special ring in the spiral of soggy hell.  No corner showed promise, no turn landed me in hope.  As the months and my soul wore on I understood that everything was lost.  The universe having a wicked sense of humor offered me what I thought I was finding; the loss of everything I had ever had.  I was stuck, on a corner in Seattle, with a Blackberry phone that had no service, a backpack stocked with items of a lost life, a life as foreign to me as the tower of Babel or the Great Wall of China, and only the company of my feet and the sun to urge me into action.  Feeling dejected and abandoned by Seattle I set out on the road.

     I walked twenty miles out of the city to find the first of many rides to my new life in Denver.  Away from the wet and cold to just plan cold.  It was stuck in my mind that Denver was the platform from which I would launch my nose dive into new life, into a new me!  But Denver was simply the sock between me and the comfortable shoes I was looking for.  But the journey from point S to point D had a reason behind it....That reason was Josh.  A trucker that I fell madly for in the short time I knew him.  He didn't offer me affection or passion. Simply a warm heart, a smile that made me melt and a heat that drew moths from the moon light.  

     (Its time to get to Fridays,).....More tonight.